i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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