guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Randomize
