I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
