I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
