I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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