i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
