We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
