My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
