Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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