I just pynch a tree in the face
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
