I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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