Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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