what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
my shit smells like andre
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
