I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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