i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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