guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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