I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
