Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
