just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
