She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my being single is dangerous.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
