i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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