my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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