Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
