I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
