I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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