Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
