I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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