Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
