I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
