my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
