I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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