HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
