if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
