physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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