Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
