my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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