we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
