he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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