Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
