she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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