Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Where is the hickey?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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