You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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