you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize