ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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