"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
