A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
