Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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