Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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