did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
