So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
