We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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