She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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