I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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