cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
