The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
