My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
