btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
