I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
