So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
