so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
