whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
