The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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