i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize