dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
