as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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