I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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