I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize